Sunday, February 8, 2009

The Raptors are THE DARK KNIGHT

Chris Bosh looking out from his Toronto condominium in deep thought.

As this dreadful Raptors season continues, I decided to combine one of my favourite films of all time, The Dark Knight and give it a Raptors twist. For more movie fun Raptors style, check out Scott Carefoot of RaptorBlog who did a Pulp Fiction version.

Bruce Wayne: "Targeting me won't get their money back. I knew the mob wouldn't go down without a fight, but this is different. They crossed the line."

The mob is the hectic audience at home games, and this is Chris
Bosh's attitude towards fans. The ACC crowd has been extremely vocal this season, maybe a bit too harsh, and it's rubbed off on CB4 the wrong way. Instead of using it as fuel to light a fire under the Raptors' sorry asses, Bosh has responded by saying such things as "If I wanna get booed, I'll go on the road." And instead of taking the stance of "you know, the fans have a right to be mad, we've been a huge disappointment so far", he has replied that they shouldn't boo because "the fans don't know how much they impact the game." And in other revealing news, the earth is mostly covered by water. Don't you wish he was this testy on his opponents instead of the fans?

Joker: "You and your kind, all you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them!"

This goes out to MLSE, who we all know have been fucking around for a while and seem to be content as long as they're making money (which they are, as Raptors are 9th in attendance) and selling us hope. Now, let me clarify this - I'm not saying they're happy being mediocre, but they also don't strike me as the type that it would kill them if they didn't win a championship.

Batman: "You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain. I can do those things because I'm not a hero, like Dent. I killed those people. That's what I can be."
Lt. James Gordon: "No, you can't! You're not!"
Batman: "I'm whatever Gotham needs me to be."

This sings to the tune of Jermaine O'Neal. Everyone questioned his character and motives when he was brought to the Raptors, whether he's going to try to dominate and/or pad his stats. He was the hero in Indiana as the centrepiece for a long time, but in the end became a villain to the fans as they felt he wasn't giving it his all and was detrimental to the team. After the Raptors got him, we had high hopes, but as it turns out, he's not the hero we thought he was going to be, and at the moment he's whatever Toronto needs him to be, and that's trade bait.

Joker: "Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it. You know, I just... do things."

Hopefully, this isn't Brian Colangelo. After turning around the franchise in his first year and a half, he's made moves that, well..just haven't worked out. What happened to that three year rebuilding plan? Is there a plan period? I still have faith in him, but I know tons of fans out there feel like he's just gotten lucky with his past moves and that he's not that special of a GM after all.

Lt. James Gordon:
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight."

Chris Bosh. He's the type of player the good folks in Toronto deserve (franchise potential; key guy to build around, grounded, unselfish), but not the one it needs right now (not a true leader (?), soft, failure to perform in BIG games against top-tier players). The fans are verbally hunting him, and hopefully he can take it. Because he's not a hero right now, he's a dark knight.

Joker: "I like this job - I like it!"

Joey Graham, finally getting consistent minutes (and having a positive impact), sometimes even starting, after riding Sam Mitchell's doghouse for years. Can't you just imagine Joey with a Joker face saying this to Triano?

Old guy
at party when Joker and his crew crash it: "We're not intimidated by thugs!"

*NOT the Raptors (editor's note: see Bosh v. Garnett).

Joker: "I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying!"

What Bryan Colangelo must be thinking. He came in here, took Rob Babcock's little plan and turned it on itself. Look at what he did to this city with a few moves and a couple of (okay, a LOT of) expensive suits. Everyone was hailing him as our saviour, even if that plan was horrifying (getting a bunch of Euros/international players and putting together a soft jump-shooting team). But now that things are down, the city is panicking like Ra's Al Ghul just released his fear toxin into the city's water supply.

Harvey Dent: "Do you remember that name you and the others had for me when I was at Internal Affairs?" Lt. James Gordon: "Yeah, I remember." Harvey Dent: "Say it." Lt. James Gordon: "Harvey..." Harvey Dent: "SAY IT!" Lt. James Gordon: "'Two-Face.' Harvey Two-Face." [Harvey turns his head, revealing the scarred side of his face] Harvey Dent: "Why should I hide who I am?"

To our old friend, Chuck Swirsky, who, as soon as he bolted Toronto, already started talking smack about the Raps. Think we can call him "Chuck Two-Face" from now?

Gambol: "You think you can steal from us and just walk away?" The Joker: "Yeah."

Replace Gambol with the fans who are paying a lot of money to attend the games, and replace Joker with the players after every home blowout loss in which they display yet another case of lackluster effort.

Alfred: "Because some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn."

This has to be Jamario Moon. Does this clown realize its a contract year for him? By the way he's been playing, he couldn't be possibly looking for money right? Triano and co. have been instructing him over and over I'm sure about attacking the rim and not taking jumpshots, but you know what? He just can't be reasoned or negotiated with. And definitely not bullied, just ask Chris Bosh.

Joker: [to Batman] "Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. *Hit me!*"

Colangelo: [to Pat Riley] "Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me with that trade for Shawn Marion. HIT ME!!!!!"

Joker: "Let's put a smile on that face!"

Finally, for the fans. Turn that frown upside down, because the offseason will bring hope and maybe we can all be back right at this same position next year and watch the cycle continue
!! So come on guys..whyyyyy soooo....serious???


  1. holy shit shayan... BEAUTIFUL fucking post. i LOVED how in-depth it was. i can't even pick one that i liked most cause they were so brilliant. but if i had to, i loved JO as trade bait LOL. we also need him to be a high scorer in the meantime cause we're just plain struggling.

    and of course, the last quote. simply shayan.

  2. this is by far the greatest similarity u have compared the dark knight to. ABSOLUTELY TRUE AND HILARIOUS! i wrote more comments on ur facebook wall. GOLD JERRY....THIS IS GOLD!!

  3. "After the Raptors got him, we had high hopes, but as it turns out, he's not the hero we thought he was going to be, and at the moment he's whatever Toronto needs him to be, and that's trade bait."

    I just realized Rachel & I both picked this line...that "trade bait" part CRACKED ME UP!

  4. oh SHIT i just noticed the caption under the picture LOL LOL.

    reading this post is just like watching the dark knight - it gets better each time.